A New Coming

So I have been pushing myself so hard lately. I want to see a change in my life. I won’t get a change though if I don’t do something different. I have been practicing submitting myself wholly to God, especially my emotions. I want to be led by God not by how I’m feeling. I have been doing good lately, but of course not every day will be pretty. 

I want God to break me out of the strongholds I have been living in for years. I don’t want to live like this the rest of my life. I can’t. I just can’t. I’m so desperate to be more intimate with God. I want to be consistent in our relationship. Constantly looking into his eyes and not at what’s around me and can distract me from what really matters. I’ve been getting up earlier in the mornings to be alone with God. Just me and God before anyone else can wake up. I go to the lobby and shut the doors behind me. I have been doing that but this morning was one of those not so pretty days. After my alarm went off I sat in the bed for at least 5 minutes wrestling and struggling with whether I wanted to go back to sleep or be with God. As I talked to God about how much I was struggling because my spirit wants to be with him but my flesh is selfish. It wants nothing more than to please itself. That’s when I heard the voice of God say, “Just get up.” Little did I know that these three words would bring me such precious revelation. So before I could think anymore about it I jumped out of bed. I took my guitar and bible and went to my secret place. 

I WAS SOOOOO TIRED. I only had four hours of sleep. I pulled out my guitar and I said to God, “God I’m so tired. I don’t even know what song to sing you.” Quietly I heard his voice again, “Psalm 105:2”. So I turned to that verse and it said “Sing to him; yes, sing his praises. Tell everyone about his wonderful deeds.” I was so touched and thought “God really wants me to be here. I can come up with a song and just sing whatever is on my heart. He deserves it no matter how I’m feeling.” After that I started pouring out my heart in song to God. Everything. God’s presence began to flood where I was. I could feel him washing over me. It was so incredible and beautiful because it was just God and I. It made me feel as though that it’s the mornings when I’m exhausted that God will reward me if I just push past my feelings because feelings are failing He will make it worth my time.Feelings fade away.

So when I went back to my room God had given revelation about people in general and the words he spoke to me earlier to get me up. He gave me this picture of Him releasing someone from being tied up by ropes. The person is free to walk away, but so many times they don’t. Instead they go back to the ropes and though they are not bound by them they will wrestle with them and say “Help me God! I’m struggling with it again!” When all along God is looking at them saying, “What are you doing? Just get up.” Though those ropes have the potential to keep them bound once they are off they are powerless. Once we are free we don’t have to struggle anymore. We just have to surrender the ropes. It gives a whole new meaning to the verse, “So if the Son has set you free, you are truly free.” - John 8:36. How beautiful is that? We don’t have to struggle. We just need to get up.

I have come to realize that nothing is free in this world. Even when people give out free things a sacrifice had to be paid somewhere along the line. Whether it was losing money or losing time to do a service or something else. It was paid for. It’s the same with my found freedom in Jesus. My freedom wasn’t actually free. It was just purchased for me by someone else. Somewhere someone else paid for it along the line and that person was Jesus. The price he paid for me was a high expense. That is so beautiful to think about. How Jesus freely (sacrificed) paid the highest price. How much more should we value our salvation because of our “freedom”? Surely it is valued far more than any expensive jewelry because the price was paid was much more costly. If anything we should wear it more proudly as if it were the newest most expensive designer clothing because it was such a high price. We should show it off as we would anything else so expensive, not be ashamed. I thank God that he found us worthy to pay such a high price. There is nothing else more valuable in the world.

Every time I walk out my room now I see Soulja Boy. It’s like he’s waiting outside my dorm. I don’t even think this guy likes me. I think he is playing some sick little game and I’m the gamepiece. I think he enjoys it because I don’t. Every time I go out my room and see him I pray “Lord, Jesus why is he here?!? Why is he everywhere?? What are you trying to tell me that I’m missing?! Do you think this is funny??”. This guy probably really needs Jesus, but I hope I’m not the one who has to minister to him.

It’s funny because a week or two ago I finally pointed him out to my friend and this was her reaction, “Oh no. Him? I’ve seen him around. I heard he’s a REAL thug. You need to be careful.” Haha so apparently he’s got a reputation for being a thug!!! This doesn’t get any funnier!! How did this happen? This past week before I fell asleep I prayed God would let me sleep peacefully and that I’d wake up refreshed. I did sleep well but I had a crazy dream. I usually don’t dream but this night I did. I had a dream that Soulja Boy kidnapped me!!! There’s more to the dream but that’s crazy right?!? He’s even escape in my dreams.

Even if I don’t find a guy that physically attractive but he has a great personality it makes him more attractive than a guy with stunning looks. Just thinking out loud…